It Was Just A Mistake

Todays post may not be applicable to all demographics (yes, the seven of you represent different demographics :), so bear with me if you've "been there, done that, and have the T-Shirt." Refreshers for seasoned veterans are always a boon.

Mom and I watched a string of Hallmark Christmas movies until my schmaltz cup runneth over. In one particular plot, an errant husband, returning home after many years to announce is upcoming Bahama nuptials to his children, suffers a heart-attack. Grounded until his health improves, he lives with his current wife and family during the holidays. You can probably type the rest of the script out yourself, but the thing that leapt out of the TV was his continual reference to his sins as "mistakes." A penchant for stewardesses, not contacting his children for years, and leaving the family in a pool of heartbreak - a "mistake."  Hmmm.

Here is The Oxford dictionary's definitions of a mistake:

• to be wrong about: she thought he'd mistaken her for Diana
• accidentally; in error: she'd left her purse at home by mistake
• an act or judgement that is misguided or wrong: coming here was a mistake 

So, he mistook a stewardess for his wife? Wait, he forgot to go home. No, let's see....he took a wrong turn at the light and left his family by mistake. Now I'm all confused.....

After that night, I thought of all the times that I've heard others (or myself) refer to sin, often grievous ones, as a "mistake."  Interestingly, when we sin it's easier to think of it as a mistake, but when others do so - it's clearly sin. I was reminded of the aftermath of destruction that my kids' dad left behind, all the while claiming he had just made a few mistakes.

Mistakes and sins are not synonymous. The year my son passed, I did my own taxes. I forgot one line item, because I tucked some stub in some box that arrived shortly after, and that error cost me $2,500! I had to make $50/month payments until the fine was paid off. I was living in a fog and should not have attempted to do my own taxes. It was a (HUGE) mistake, but not a sin. The following is Oxford's definition of sin:

• commit a sin: I sinned and brought shame down on us;Lord, we have sinned against you
• an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law: a sin in the eyes of God 
• an act regarded as a serious or regrettable fault, offense, or omission 

I did not act immorally, lie to anyone, or transgress against God's law.  And, I never did my own taxes again.  I consider $300.00 a bargain to ensure I never have to deal with the IRS ever again. Oy, the stress!

I believed that blogging about the distinction between these words could be helpful, but was confused the next morning when God directed my reading to Jeremiah.  My first thought was, "Really? I was sure I was supposed to write about "mistakes v. sins."  I dutifully read, and when I hit chapter seven, I thought, "Ah, now I get it." In this chapter, Jeremiah is speaking to those of us who attend church to worship the Lord, but because our hearts are hardened to sin, we "are trusting in deceptive words that are worthless" (v.8). Trusting in sanitized preaching that doesn't convict us of sin or encourage repentance - worthless. Moreover, we wrongly feel "safe" by virtue of attending church (v.10), regardless our disobedience and sin.  Hollywood used to poke fun at the Catholics when the story line included mobsters diligently attending mass - but, I think most denominations struggle with deceived members who believe their church attendance, offerings, and works negate the need to repent from sin.

In a past post, I wrote that in serving God we are in a constant state of motion, and Jeremiah 7:24 explains what operates this movement: (We) did not listen or pay attention (to God's commands); instead, (we) followed the stubborn inclinations of (our) evil hearts. (We) went backward and not forward. Thus, obedience in God's commands causes us to move forward. I suggest that rewording our "sins" and referring to them as "mistakes" deceives us of our need to repent, resulting in a backward motion - or backsliding. After all, the word "sin" is so harsh, a little ugly, and kind of embarrassing.

Jeremiah 15:19 quotes the Lord saying, "If you repent, I will restore you that you may serve me; if you utter worthy, not worthless, words, you will be my spokesman." Worthless words. Is disobedience a mistake? Can we "accidentally" disobey? Then"I love you, Lord" might be considered a worthless word. WHAT!? "If you love me you will keep my commandments," is a statement that occurs multiple times in the Bible - but if we aren't keeping His commandments, they are worthless words. In Jeremiah 7 we are admonished to change from our sinful ways otherwise we lose out on God's mercy (Proverbs 28:12-14). Solomon warns us of God's consequences when we utter meaningless words and break our vows claiming they were just a mistake (Ecclesiastes 5:4-7).

All of us have sinned (Romans 3:23) and "if we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us" (I John 1:8).  How can God forgive, deliver and cleanse us from sin if we won't confess it as such, but rather a mistake? Concealing sins prevents us from prospering but confession and renouncing them grants us mercy (Proverbs 28:13).

So, let's "confess our sins, (for) he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (I John 1:9). Do you rage at your family, and blame it on a hard day at the office? Sin. Do you secretly purchase items outside your budget, and then lie to your spouse how much you spend? After all, he did just get a pair of new shoes, don't you deserve some, too? Sin. Do you gossip about other families' problems with your friends, so that you can "pray for them?" Sin. Not mistakes, just slithery traps laid by our enemy who wants to separate us from God.

The prescription for Mistakeeitis? I realize that not all churches lend themselves to preaching worthy words, but you can read your Bible daily, pray, and repent when God opens your eyes to a particular sin. I saw on Facebook a blurb about Dr. Grant Horner's Bible Reading Plan. It's a big commitment, 10 chapters a day, and the interweaving strategy claims to offer "broad-scale contextualizing across both testaments," variety and consistent conviction. The following Chart can be tucked in your Bible to make it easier to track your daily reading. That's my plan for 2012. I don't want to be deceived about my words or behavior.  I want a more intimate relationship with the Lord, to commune with Him daily and be FREE from my besetting sins!

It's a Wonderful LIfe

As expected, Christmas with my four was wonderful. I marvel at how my children grew into such fantastic adults. A true testimony to the power of prayer and a God in heaven. And, after reading a sunshiny Christian blog, and being privy to other Christians' charmed holiday lives, I had planned my next post to be chocked full of lighthearted anecdotes so my few readers would realize that the "100 Fold" Christian life can also be fun, but......

It started with the drive back home. I cried, mourning for the life that I am not able to give my kids, especially during the holidays. Celebrating in a home filled with childhood memories, familiar surroundings, and a complete family. This is not self-pity, it's one of my crosses that I bear. I waffle between dutifully trudging forward with the cross squarely placed on my shoulder to falling on my knees begging God to have mercy on me. Yes, I know, "God is faithful; he will not let (me) be tempted beyond what (I) can bear. But when (I am) tempted, he will also provide a way out so that (I) can endure it" (I Corinthians 10:13). I have witnessed what happens to those who break out of their prison and escape God's call - some completely backslide, and others live a tidier life, but cheat themselves out of eternal rewards (Revelation 2:10).

The day after I arrived home from our Christmas celebration, the doctor called. Diabetes. How can a 120ish pound, non-smoker, non-drinker, and in fairly good shape, be a diabetic? I was astonished. The only "symptom" I was even aware of was mysterious weight-loss (I thought it was from working so hard). During my 20 years of gym membership, my son once asked, "Why do you bother exercising?" I responded by saying, "So I can take my grandchildren bike riding!" I wanted to be a healthy old lady! This news arrives on the tail of the back diagnosis - which I still haven't mentally processed and can't treat until 2012 (poor insurance plan and not enough "out of pocket" $ to start therapy). My first thought was, "My life is over, what more is left?" God has me completely boxed in. A day or two later, I was reminded (as always comes to my mind during times like this) of my most earnest prayer that I prayed throughout the past 20+ years, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead" (Philippians 3:10,11). I ASKED to share in his sufferings. My hopes and dreams often clash with this prayer, but because I want God's will above my own, I wish I could be like the Apostle Paul, who is an inspiration; having faith in the eternal glory that far outweighs any of my sufferings, the ability to not lose heart, to consider all of my troubles as "light and momentary," and to fix my eyes on the unseen (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).

Today I was reading in Zephaniah, and for the umpteenth time I believe God was telling me that He will restore my fortune (3:20). God has not only impressed this theme upon me in prayer and Bible reading, but someone also prophesied it to me. My struggle today was, "I hear you, Lord, but can you tell me if it will be in 'the land of the living (Psalm 27:13) or an eternal reward?" If the latter, I need help to "fix my eyes on the unseen." When I hear fortune, I don't necessarily believe it's monetary, although, it could be, but possibly a richer quality of life. What that includes, I'm not sure, but I'm leaning toward a "suffer-free" life :)  A year or so ago, a Christian friend told me, after praying for me, that my 15-year duration of "suffering" was over, hmmmm....

Many Christians have health problems, but not typically bundled in the Complete 100-Fold Christian Value Pack. No one I work with has any idea of what my real life has been like, and I believe I would be doing God a disservice if I portrayed my life negatively. I want people to see the over-comer, the positive, and the good that has resulted. Last Thursday, my coworker, C., marveled at the patience I had with some of our kookier customers. Thirty five years ago patience was not part of my personality.  I know that at times it's helpful to share our "testimony," but for the most part, we are to be like Jesus in shoe-leather. I rejoice that I am not the same person I was: selfish, unforgiving, not facing reality, to name a few more.

I no longer do New Year's Resolutions (if you've read any of the previous posts, I'm sure you can understand why). As 2011 comes to a close, my prayer is that I may readily accept God's will for my life, lean on Him more, and have greater faith. I'd like to experience some miracles, too. It would be nice to meet some Fellow-Folders, but I'm not sure how one goes about finding them. This post is not a puff-piece that's a light read around the holidays, stirring up warm, fuzzy feelings, but my hope is that by reading, you'll receive the same comfort that I have received from God (2 Corinthians 1:4). So when you see your Christian neighbor skating through, you won't be surprised that, even if you're serving God with all your heart, trying experiences continue to come your way.  Additionally, a reminder that sharing in Christ's suffering will produce perseverance, character, hope and a share in his glory (Romans 5:3, 8:17). Now that's a wonderful life.

Merry Christmas - may we focus on Christ every single day of 2012.

Striking the Ground With Arrows

As a child, I would lay in bed praying 'til all hours of the night.  I remember when I was about seven or eight (my parents never did teach me the "Birds and the Bees" :) I prayed to God for a baby. I had no clue where the baby was going to come from. During my adult life, I attended prayer groups, daily pray at home and "journal" while praying.  Journalling (I type rather than write) is a way of praying that facilitates hearing from God while you pray.

All this to say, I had quite an active prayer life. Additionally, I have what the Bible calls discernment, and what our denomination refers to as the gift of intercessory prayer. I Corinthians 2:14 speaks of discernment as a spiritual ability to discern things one can only see through the Spirit of God. Discernment is like this: Often I can tell if a person is lying and "see" what's in a person's heart - even if the person is in deception. Or I can "see" lust in eyes, sense evil spirits, and "hear" what a person is really saying, even when it's different from the words coming out of their mouth. It took a lot of growth and maturity to manage this gift, and it's from God, not some kind of voodoo magic. I had to train myself to respond/react to the words they were speaking - not to what I was hearing/seeing. The gift of intercessory prayer is praying on behalf of someone or something, and God responding in a powerful way. Combining these two "gifts" enabled me to pray quite accurately for people and situations and marvel at God's responses.

I took great care not to pray my own will, most of the time. When my son died, I prayed that God would let a drunk driver run into me (they always walk away unhurt), but, you can see how that turned out. l ask God if I should pray about a prayer request - before I pray - if I pray. As the tragedies of my life increased, so did my prayers, but then so did the tragedies. Once I relinquished my will over to God, I kinda figured, "What's left to pray about?" If we believe, "Not my will but Thine be done," that pretty much covers it. Yet, there are multiple scriptures admonishing us to pray continually (I Thessalonians 5:17 for example) - but about what? How? A prayer conundrum.

For a while, after my son passed, I wasn't able to intercede. I was hurt that God wasn't answering prayers (my way) and the years that followed were horrendous. The things that God allowed to happen were beyond comprehension. I prayed, but with a slowly withering faith. How could this be happening if He loved me - even though I Peter 4:12 tells me, "don't be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you test you, as though something strange were happening to you"  One has only to read the New Testament to see how Jesus' followers suffered endless persecution, trials, sufferings, beatings, hunger, and more (2 Corinthians 6, just to name a few). Somehow my brain synopses weren't connecting those dots (and I don't even come close to "apostle" suffering).

God has floated my boat (see "Current" post), miraculously, to the middle of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - I lived at the base of the pyramid for so long, there was not much time to do anything else but survive. My emaciated prayer life is returning: first was clear liquids ("Help me make it through the day"); then soup and crackers (Grant me the ability to do your will in everything); now, slowly entering back in to intercessory prayer. I was persevering, but not hoping (Romans 5:5) nor rejoicing (I Peter 4:13) through my suffering. I believe that "The God of all grace, who called (me) to his eternal glory in Christ, after (I) have suffered a little while, will himself restore (me) and make (me) strong, firm and steadfast" (I Peter 5:10).

Though I have a degree, and much business experience, God has me working in a big box store, shlepping paint buckets. A few of my co-workers have made it their life's mission to continually spread untrue rumors about me. They passive-aggressively make my work load double (they often disappear, forcing me complete their tasks, too). I have a protruding disc and arthritis in my back, so every day is about pain management,  trying to be a good testimony in spite of the slights, and having new mercies daily for them like God has for me (Lamentations 3:23).  I fail, a lot. Sometime I cry (in private) or snap back, but I have ample opportunity to practice forgiveness and humility (apologizing when I snap, well, most of the time).  I report only the blatant stuff, because I was sent to supervisory "school" and am currently awaiting an opening in any of the nearby stores for a promotion. Whiners don't get promoted. Of course, I have applied at other corporations - to save my back from further damage, but also to get back into the professional world and out of the daycare.

I woke up the other morning, was reading my Bible and began to pray about my job situation. I asked God, again, to open other doors for me, as "What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open" (Revelation 3:7). But this time, I was reminded of Jehoash in 2 Kings 13. He went to Elisha's deathbed seeking help from God, and when instructed to strike the ground with arrows,  he limited his battle victories by striking only three times. So, I just didn't pray for a new job, but one that will be a delight, not a long commute, staffed with kind coworkers, provide enough money to support my family properly, offer health insurance, and consist of a combination of sitting and walking that won't further damage my back. I know the job is out there, but I also know God puts us in situations to bring out the sin luxuriating in our hearts. Every day I assure Him that I've learned all my lessons, but thus far, He hasn't agreed with me :).

If you've read any of the other posts, you know God's will and mine almost never match up. I'll continue to pray about the job, and other issues, but, as always, I'll wait and see/hear what God has in mind. Psalm 84:10 is another one of my watchwords, "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked." He knows that I want His will more than mine, so if it means not getting my dream job, OK, but I'll continue to pray for a better job, ask for help learning all my lessons, and repent from the dross that is purged daily from working with God's surgical tools :).

Pre-Christmas Mind Set

I am one of those people who loves Christmas. I love spending time with my kids, choosing special gifts for them, and seeing how surprised they are when they open them up. Before I became a gypsy (a woman with no home of her own), I lavishly decorated the inside of my house every year. The kids helped by making snowflakes to tape on the windows and paper chains to drape throughout the family room. We baked 100's of traditional cookies to share and to eat. But over the last, well, I'm losing track of how many years, God is testing my love and faithfulness to Him, "The Lord gave and Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised" (Job 1:21). My dreams, hopes, and plans have become very flexible. When I hear the song "Blessed be your name" by Matt Redman, I am reminded that regardless of how much I have lost, I am still blessed.

When my kids were tiny, I wanted Christmas to really focus on Christ's birth, and not just the traditions (some from pagan origins) and commercialism. One year, I simply set up a nativity set that my Mom made 40 years ago, and we didn't put up a tree. I can't remember the details, but some sources claim the introduction of the tree had nothing to do with Christ, some do. I collected, and still have, Christmas books that I put in a large basket and we would read them throughout the month, including Good King Wenceslas, and other non-traditional books. I also made it clear that there was no Santa Claus, but that we could pretend that there was, like a Disney Land character, to make it fun. I remember in the 3rd grade, waking up in the middle of the night hearing my parents taking boxes of toys downstairs to put under the tree - I was devastated upon realizing that there was no Santa, that they had lied. I didn't want my children to deduce, "Well, she lied about Santa, what else is she lying about?" Seems trivial, but mistrust usually starts with small lies.

During December we would attend several Christmas events. "The Walk Through Bethlehem," was a favorite. The Methodists would convert their entire courtyard into a replica of Bethlehem, including live animals. We would be given "Passports" (as we were there for the "census") which the Roman guards would demand to see, sample foods from the various booths, visit a Temple where the Rabbis were discussing the prophecy of Christ's birth, and finally, end up at a barn where a couple would be holding a tiny, live baby. Afterwards, the kids would munch on cookies and hot chocolate inside the church. The first year we attended without my boy was very difficult. We fondly remembered when the Hebrew match-maker (he totally stayed in character), asked my son and his friend if they were in town to find wives, and described potential prospects - I think they were about 12 at the time, a little embarrassed, but thought it hilarious.

I'd pile my kids and a few extra into the van and we would go through a drive-thru live nativity. We were so sad when the Baptists no longer presented it, but I'm sure it was  difficult to find the man-power and hours to put on such extravagant presentation. There's a section in one community called "Storybook Lane" and every house in the subdivision decorates - lavishly. That was so much fun, and chatting with the homeowners was always interesting. We attended a few professional performances of the Nutcracker, but that wasn't a big hit, nor was the County Fair ground's light display - that we did only once.

When we "lost our fortune," Christmas became very frugal. One dear family (still don't know who it was), sent us a box of food! I felt so blessed. Here's a cool story. I didn't have much money for gifts, so I purchased them from antique stores. I could buy jewelry, clothes, cookware, books, etc. for a fraction of the retail price. The kids were so thrilled to have "retro" and "vintage" stuff, that they have continued the tradition of antique gift-giving. God is so awesome. This year, having lots of unexpected bills, about 3/4's of the kids presents are from antique stores. It takes some hunting, but I think they'll be surprised (well, maybe not my son-in-law; he comes from a Macy's gift-giving family, but he is a kind and loving Christian man, so I'm sure he'll be gracious when he opens his set of eight original Star Wars drinking glasses).

As far as Christian significance, Easter has a much stronger hold on my heart. The sacrifices that Christ made during his life, and dying a horrendous death, so that I could be grafted into his family brings me to tears. But Christmas, an opportunity to celebrate the birth of God's son on earth, is such a joyous occasion. So, Fellow Folders, this is what I'd like to say to you in preparation for the holiday:

1. Anything that takes away from a time of great fellowship - cut it out. My girls were going to drive down last weekend to decorate my Mom's house, 'cause that's how our family rolls. She was almost angry about it, so I prayed. My family is number one, and since we have to celebrate Christmas early, due to out of town guests, we will do the big dinner and open presents up at my daughters' house, which is fully decorated (which means hauling up my presents and drive two hours). My Mom won't be there, but that was her choice, unlike us, she doesn't like Christmas. I'll make a another dinner on Christmas Day for my Mom. Be flexible.

2. Don't go into debt for gifts. It's not worth it. I know you've heard that before, but it's true. Stressing out about gifts, money, and getting everything done also makes for a terrible testimony to shopkeepers, family, and friends.

3. Treat your relatives like it will be the last time you'll see them - because it might be.

4. Jesus doesn't care only about Christmas, it's our thing. He wants us to worship and remember him, and why he came, 365 days a year. 

5. Enjoy your traditions or time together, even if it means doing nothing, or at most, watching, "It's a Wonderful Life." Expectations are the number one killer of holidays, get-togethers, and quality fellowship. Don't expect family/friends/church people to respond to a script you've put together in your head, 'cause they never will. Look for unexpected blessings, and you'll find great joy.

I'm sure after we celebrate our early Christmas, I'll have some awesome stories to tell. My family is so blessed, I never know what to expect :)

It seems a little early to wish you a Merry Christmas, especially since I'll probably post again before the 24th, so I'll say, "Merry Pre-Christmas Mind-Set." Love the Lord with all your heart and dwell on the blessings that He's given you - not what you don't have or can't afford.

What's Our Testimony?

On my nightstand is a business card from a local pastor. I work at a big box hardware store, and last week he came in to order two quarts of paint, color matched from some old cans that were left in the garage of his rental. New in the area and here for a church "plant" (new church), we had a great chat, so much so, I wrote down my Pastor's website and encouraged him to visit, guaranteeing that the sermons would be encouraging.

Today, he brought back the two cans of paint to my supervisor (I was conducting a workshop). He was very rude to her, demanding new paint because the colors didn't match the colors on his wall (keep in mind, the customer approves the color BEFORE leaving the store with the paint). He didn't have the original cans of paint, so she asked him to go home and get actual samples from his wall. When he returned, I happened to be back at the desk. He had two different brands of paint. I never mix paint in different brands - the customer is asked which brand he wants, and the entire order is made in that brand. I opened the one can, and it was NOT the color of the sample from his wall. I'm still not sure if he swapped labels, or emptied out the contents and replaced it, or incorrectly assumed the can in the garage was the correct color, but having done this for two years, I know my tints.

Before I realized that he was trying to steal, I was asking him questions trying to figure out why this paint was so different from the sample. Finally I asked him, "Was the can you brought in left behind by the owner?" He said, "Yes." He did not tell me that up front. It's possible that he thought the can was for the living room, brought it in for me to match, then realized that he had messed up (or poured another color of paint into the can he brought back, so he could touch up another room for free). Later, he inadvertently told another customer in line that the previous renters had tried to touch up and there were spots on the wall from contrasting colors. He knew that the paint didn't match before he came in.

So, this "man of God," came in to the store, had a huge fit and lied to my boss about my error, lied about the paint being incorrectly matched by me, ALL FOR $11.00, so he could touch up his living room or have free paint for another room. Toward the end of our second encounter, he knew he was caught. The paint was so obviously different. Later, my supervisor told me that his whole demeanor was different when he saw I was present during the second visit. After I fixed his colors, I went on break and felt nauseous and sick. Jesus had some things to say in the New Testament about Pastors being hypocritical:

"You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence (Matthew 23:25).  

"You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean (Matthew 23:27).

"Woe to you experts in the law, because you have taken away the key to knowledge. You yourselves have not entered and you have hindered those who were entering (Luke 11:52). 

I prayed that God would not let him be a Pastor in this condition, because the eternal penalty for leading sheep astray is so severe: ...so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected (2 Timothy 3:8). I also prayed that God would burn his heart with repentance, but that if it was already hardened, that He would prevent him from ministering, as those that do are judged more strictly (James 3:1).

His website states, "We continually bear witness to those around us...we exalt the Lord through our service to Him, seeking to be instruments of His will and purpose." The witness he portrayed to my coworkers (ranging from unsaved, backslidden, to Christian) was one of bad temper, lies, greed, and a derogatory word spoken by the supervisor that I won't print. Psalm 101:7 says that, "No one who practices deceit will dwell in my house; no one who speaks falsely will stand in my presence."


Only God knows the heart and the destiny of this man. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord (Joshua 24:15). I know that my customers, strangers, coworkers, friends, and family members are watching how "real" my Christianity is and that hypocrisy is a deadly testimony. Recently, I was at an antique store Christmas shopping with my handicapped Mom. The cashier accidentally charged my debit card $1100.50!!! I was there for 1 and 1/2 hours, while the clerk tried to call the credit card merchant, bank, and my bank to reverse or void the charges - to no avail. I ended up waiting for the owner to drive over and draft a check, which I then had to drive to his bank and cash, and then deposit the cash into my account. I realized that this was testimony time, and I prayed throughout the ordeal for patience, kindness, and forgiveness. My Mom was so spent, she couldn't go out the next day.

Of course, I fail at times. Mostly when pride or fear is involved.  But the majority of the time when situations force sin out of my heart's hidey-holes, I repent. Oftentimes, I am battling against the same bastion of sin. I wish I could be delivered entirely - BAM, no more dealing with that familiar enemy of my soul. But some sins are like onions, the deliverance peels off in layers. This is why we must persevere, run the race, fight the good fight. Otherwise, if left unchecked, we might find ourselves spending hours concocting lies to receive a free can of $11.00 paint. And worse, with a heart so hardened, we won't realize that our destructive behavior is hindering the building up of the kingdom of God.

God's Current

Two nights ago I had a "dream." That's in quotations because I have two kinds of dreams: Weirdo, sweet, bizarre, fun, or scary dreams; and spiritual "dreams."  Interestingly enough, two of my daughters also have "dreams." I usually wake up and know what the Lord is saying, but this one was a bit mysterious, so I had to ponder the interpretation and ask God, "What did this mean, why was that person's unique eye color significant, and why did I look so young (AND PRETTY!) in the dream?" Those of us who "dream" can easily distinguish between the two types. Last night, I had another "dream!" This one was obvious and disturbing.

When I awoke this morning, the dream was confirmed in my morning Bible study. I was overjoyed. As I mentioned in the previous post, God has been a wee bit silent with me as of late.  I pray, and flow in the current of His will, without a lot of two-way communication or imput :) I can't really describe how it works, or give you a scripture. I've had miracles - but not ones I've prayed for. I've had situations miraculously work out, but I didn't know where the current was flowing, until I arrived there. I pray for very specific things, and, of course, ask that God's will be done. Apparently, not much of MY prayers, plans and dreams are according to God's will. God has had me flow one length at a time - no vision, no plan, no clear direction. For someone who is a planner, and not real spontaneous, this has been a faith-builder, or what I like to call, a white-knuckler.

Here's an example of my "God's Will Current." Two summers ago, my youngest, who HATED school (This story is kid approved), approached me in August and said, "Hey Mom, I'd like to finish my junior and senior year in high school, and my freshman year of college all at the same time." WHAT! I responded, incredulously, "You HATE school, why would you want to do so much work all at the same time?" After much discussion, and hasty meetings with academic counselors and college pre-req testers, we signed her up for all the coursework and she diligently applied herself, doing quite well. Five months later, God "said" to me, "You need to go take care of your Mom." Well, I knew my Mom was lonely, but didn't know she needed help.  The following March I scheduled time off from work, juggled around the three girls' work/school schedules, and we all met up a Gma's. Wow. Her finances were in a shambles, the house was in disarray, she was falling and not telling anybody. I wondered why there was a lock-box outside the house. "Oh, so when I fall the fireman can let themselves in to help me up," she casually responded. She didn't want any of us to know because she was afraid her kids would put her in a nursing home. Yikes.

God knew that I needed to help my Mom, long before I did. He orchestrated all the details. He put it on my girl's heart to finish crazy amounts of school so that she'd graduate a year early and be able to move. And then He decided to tell me. I successfully transferred to a local store almost immediately (I think I missed a total of two weeks pay). Pretty miraculous stuff.

Years ago, God gave me Isaiah 54 as one of my watchwords (I know, I usually type out the scripture, but it's far too long). I was passing by my daughter's dresser, and her Bible was open to that chapter, and I was prompted to read 1-10. I sobbed. And a short time later He did hide his face (v.8). Job experienced this when he said, "If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling!" (Job 3:3). I went from having an "open heaven" in my house, experiencing the presence of the Lord continually, prayers being regularly answered, to God abandoning me for a brief moment (v.7). How can I describe this? He was still there, still carrying me in the current of His will, but hidden. It's the worst feeling ever.  Perhaps infinitesimally comparable to what Jesus felt when he said, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46, Mark 15:34).

This morning I felt that old familiar synchronization, that oneness, that communication. My heart sang all the way to work. It sang until "J" showed up - have you ever discerned evil hanging on somebody's back like a monkey? That's "J". I had to pray the whole time he was near me, so my heart stopped singing while I tried to prevent my skin from crawling.

Now, the dream. Fellow "Folders," Jeremiah 9 was my dream, repeated in several modern scenarios, but the same theme. The verse that POPPED out at me was, "Instead, they have followed the stubbornness of their hearts" (v.14). That was the downfall of the Christian person/group in each scenario, not allowing God's will but insisting on having their own way. The disturbing part was that they persecuted those who did God's will.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I am blessed. God is purging all the dross out of my heart. I can't say I wasn't a tad fearful about the persecution from fellow "Christians" in my dream, but I'll just take it one step at a time - like God is teaching me to do. When I was in labor with my first baby and the contractions were about five minutes apart, I called my girlfriend. I was scared and I voiced my fear to her, "If it hurts like this now, what will it feel like toward the end?" She said, "You won't go from two centimeters to 10 without passing through three, four, five, etc..." The progression gives you time to gear up for the next level. May this be true for us in our 100-Fold journey.

Where Is This Blog Going???

I became alarmed and took the previous post down yesterday. I'm not accustomed to allowing anyone a peek inside my 100-Fold life, taking a tour of my prison cell, seeing my “boils” - and I started feeling a little naked. I don’t want to be a voyeuristic distraction for the Flowers. I don’t want to be pitied. I want to be envied, if you will. So, I prayed. This blog is meant to gird the loins of those who are in Joseph’s prison, experiencing the true afflictions of Job, and, sharing in the sufferings of Christ. An “OK, if she, a regular Mom, can run the race and carry her cross, by the Grace of God, I guess I can, too.”

I know it’s ugly, at times Circus Freak Show ugly, but my children are so beautiful, talented, and godly – they shine like stars among their peers. Never confuse this. The suffering has made them what I call “three-dimensional.” I coined that term about 15 years ago, when I noticed my older daughter standing out from the crowd. In fact, I dubbed her my “Sparkler” and bought her a ring with three stars on it for her 8^th grade graduation gift. I look at most young people and they are vapid, even in their desperate attempts at uniqueness.  Many Christian young people have sincerity, but no depth. That is the stuff that only the suffering of Christ can produce.

I’m a great believer in not sharing anyone’s testimony, but we are such a close family, that some times it’s hard to isolate my cross from my kids’.  I purposely omitted much of my son’s horrendous suffering in the original entry, because that will be his testimony to share with people in eternity. But, nonetheless, we felt too exposed.

We are blessed. The suffering provided an opportunity to impress upon my children the commandments and love of the Lord upon their hearts (Deuteronomy 6:4-9). God’s word is true – I have feared the Lord and kept his commands and it has gone well with my children (Deuteronomy 5:29). Not in the worldly sense, but in the their hearts, minds, and faith in God. And they had huge crosses for such little people. To be perfectly honest, I had to pray about EVERYTHING when they were growing up. I wanted to be sure that my reactions and responses to our daily battles reflected those of a godly Mom - not an impatient, angry, bitter, vengeful victim. I didn’t want them to forsake God because of my Christianity.

As a young family, we had been visiting another church. The kids’ dad was starting to feel a little uncomfortable in our regular church – people were starting to notice that his evil was showing.  At the new church, they had an altar call. I went forward for prayer. I was so confused – how do I handle my life, do I stay or do I go?  This very short man, who I didn’t know, laid his hand on my head and started to pray. The dad had followed me up there, to make sure I didn’t reveal any details about his misdeeds, because the praying man didn’t know anything about our situation. After a few minutes of prayer, he said to me, “I see you pulling a huge cart, you’re pulling with all your might, perspiring. The cart is loaded down with many things, your children,” and at this point, the man opened his eyes, and turned to the dad, and said, “and I see you, in the cart, on top of the whole pile!” It was a daily prayer battle just keeping that cart moving.

As of late, I am waiting PATIENTLY on the Lord (I think putting the word 'patient' in all caps is an e-oxymoron:).  I am waiting to be released from my prison sentence – like Joseph. I am waiting for, dare I hope, a double-portion – like Job (except for giving birth to another set of kids). As David expressed in many of his Psalms, I have felt that God doesn’t hear my prayers. He responded to God's silence with such moxy and actually told Him to “Wake up!…Rouse yourself!” (Psalm 44:23). At times I wonder even how to pray for myself, because I believe “Not my Will,” and I confess, I don’t always know God’s will. Job, and his buddies, spent hours guessing about why Job’s life was in shambles – and God rebuked them soundly! They were misinterpreting God’s will for Job (without knowledge Job 38:2).

I prayed about the blog from the beginning. My intent was to write for my kids, but it would be such a blessing to me if my life could positively impact other 100-Fold warriors. Other than teaching Sunday school on and off for 20+ years (ages 3-15), I've never had a ministry.  Well, let's not jump the gun - 8 posts and 2 "Followers" does not a ministry make. But for now, I don’t want our shredded lives to be anyone’s entertainment so I will continue to pray because discretion is the better part of valor.

A Lamb for the Household

In earlier posts, I recount being the only Christian in my household. When I was 23, my family actually began to shun me. I can't begin to describe the pain this caused, especially because I couldn't understand why???? I flew across the US to see my parents, five minutes after my arrival my Mom "had" to leave for an important meeting - what?? Later, she confided, she was concerned that being a Christian had taken my sense of humor. Like somehow Christians can't be fun.

I invited my older sister to my church, and she claimed that her husband said he would divorce her if she continued to attend. My younger sister and her husband said they couldn't possibly attend a church that didn't have pews. My brother and his wife didn't even bother to make excuses, but the whole clan embarrassed me greatly one Sunday. They traveled in for my wedding, and since they believed in Christening a baby, but had no intention of joining a church, they asked if my Pastor could perform the dedication the Sunday after my wedding. The Pastor agreed, so the day after my wedding, 17 family members came to my church - I was so excited! They would finally hear the Pastor preach, and maybe become Christians!

The dedication took place before the service. Pastor dedicated my niece to the Lord, prayed for her, AND THEN ALL 17 FAMILY MEMBERS LEFT THE BUILDING, in one great exodus, before the sermon began. I was humiliated. They used me for the "religious" but didn't want anything to do with the spirit (2 Corinthians 6:14).

After that, they gave up all pretenses, and stopped inviting us over all together. The pain I experienced was awful. I would cry, and beg God to help me forgive them, and try to be a good testimony. Years would go by and important family events were missed. Later, they claimed it was my kid's dad, but it was the spirit of God. In spite of their behavior, early on God impressed upon my heart that I was to be a lamb for my household (Exodus 12).  So, when they would behave wicked or do mean things to me, I would struggle to forgive and remind God that I was their "Passover Lamb."

Fast forward 25 years. My older sister has become a Christian, of sorts.  She says she is a prophetess. She attends church (apparently her husband isn't divorcing her :). Part of me rejoices for her. The other part is wondering, "Where's the repentance?" "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret (2 Corinthians 7:10), or the demonstration of repentance by her deeds (Acts 26:20). Much to my Mom's heartache, my sister went eight years without speaking to her. After the 8th year, I urged my sister to mend whatever fence was erected (none of us know why to this day), and I flew out with her to see our Mom and act as a buffer. They reunited, in surface kind of way (oh, and after that my sister went another year without talking to me). But she still hasn't apologized to my Mom. Where's the forgiveness, the repentance?

I could recite many tales of her naughtiness, but that's not the point. The parable of Mark 4 (which is the foundation of this blog), talks about the seed that has no root, and will be blown away when trouble comes. Repentance is a key to sprouting roots, or as Hebrews 6:1 says, ...(it's) the foundation...from the acts that lead to death, and of faith in God. It leads us to the knowledge of the truth (2 Timothy 2:25), and is one of the fruits that we are supposed to bear (Luke 3:8, Matthew 3:8).

It's not enough to say we believe in God. The demons believed and recognized God: Mark1:34, Mark 5:12, and Luke 4:41. It's not enough to attend church and read our Bibles. The Pharisees never missed a service! And I understand perfectly that not all situations lend themselves to the ability to apologize to everyone we have hurt or offended, God knows that. But this point,  my sister doesn't have a testimony for God in our family. In fact, religious folk often turn people away from God and she has caused my own children to stumble by her behavior.

My Mom can still cry over those lost eight years, and she still hasn't a clue what happened. She's so forgiving, that, of course, they converse occasionally over the phone or in writing, but the lack of repentance on my sister's part is a stumbling block to my Mom. And she views my sister's brand of Christianity fake. My Mom is so grateful that I didn't give up on her, that I continued to honor my parents even during the time they rejected me, that we now an good relationship.

I know my prayer of almost 30 years ago, to be the Lamb for the Household, assures me that my entire family will be saved. Sadly, my sister will not grow in the Lord, or influence her non-Christian hubby (I Peter 3:1-2), until she humbles herself and repents. Yes, I know it's embarrassing. I often say that I've grown fond of the taste of Humble Pie and eating crow. Especially since PRIDE is one of the sins that I still battle to overcome.  But there are no shortcuts with God. Putting scriptures on your Face Book is not a substitute for repentance.

You'll Know Them By Their Fruit

When I was a young adult, I assumed that everyone in the Church was "godly", I suppose by virtue of church attendance and Bible knowledge. I struggled when witnessing the bad behavior of a few people, some who had been Christians for decades! If their actions and words were hurtful, I battled to forgive because that's a commandment!  The issue was confusing because: I had had no training as a child to know how Christians should behave;  I didn't know my Bible as well as I should and wasn't asking God for wisdom in understanding the situations and people; and backslidden or ungodly Christians had done a fabulous job promoting the scripture "Do not judge, and you will not be judged (Luke 6:37).  Everyone was afraid to call a spade a spade, because that meant we were "judging."

As I matured in the Lord, and my children began attending Christian school, I witnessed a lot of sinful behavior by Christians - students, parents, parishioners, leaders, and teachers. Often times it was a one-time offense, but painful to my kids or myself. We would pray to forgive them, and repent for the times we would offend others. But a handful of people exhibited consistent, ungodly behavior which became a stumbling block to my kids. We've all met adults who won't have anything to do with church because of those kinds of Christians they knew growing up, and I didn't want that happening to my kids.

I explained to my children that not all Christians are Christians, at least that's what the Bible says, it refers to them as wolves in sheep's clothing. I said, "What kind of fruit does an apple tree have?" They would say, "Apples." Then I would say, "Does a cherry tree produce apples?" They would respond, "No." I taught them that the Bible tells us that we will recognize true Christians from the ones who are pretending to be Christians by the fruit that they produce (Matthew 7:15-20). If they gossip, lie, cheat, and are mean, they are not producing Christian fruit.  The fruit of the born-again Christian is "love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness" (Galatians 5:22).  Luke 6:43-45 states, "No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. The good man brings good things out of the good store up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart." They may attend church, but they have planted wickedness, and have reaped the fruit of deception (Hosea 10:13).

Jesus wasn't too concerned with "judging" when he called the ungodly church leaders "brood of vipers!" (Matthew 3:7). The kids and I would pray about situations, and ask God to enable us to not judge incorrectly and show mercy (was there a reason they were nasty?), but to make right judgments (John 7:24). Further, knowing that we all make mistakes, I would say, "A friend is nice all of the time and occasionally has a bad day; a friend isn't mean all of the time and occasionally nice to you, or nice in private but mean in front of other kids." This sounds simplistic but so is the gospel.

Matthew 5:14 instructs us that we are to be a "light to the world", but cautions us to have nothing to do with the "deeds of darkness" (Ephesians 5:11). Paul makes it plain that we are not to associate with ungodly "Christians." Further, he says it is our role to judge their fruit (in this scripture it's sexually immoral, greedy, idolater, slanderer, drunkard, or swindler) and expel the wicked from the church (I Corinthians 5:9-12)!! I'm not a leader in the church and, therefore, have never had to make that decision nor have I ever known anyone who was expelled.  Most wicked Christians end up leaving on their own, usually because there's "no love" in the church - which translates to "people are calling them on their garbage and they don't want to hear it anymore."

Our life in Christ is in a constant progressive motion, its never standing still. Either you are repenting, growing, and moving into a deeper relationship with the Lord, or you are moving backward. Some baby Christians move so slowly, which is why we shouldn't judge by appearances but only after great prayer. My kids had a BIBLE TEACHER at their very religious CHRISTIAN SCHOOL. She was worldly, mean, and played favorites (she was 50, but dressed inappropriately for a teacher). I know, you're wondering how was it possible she was a Bible teacher in a Christian school. Stumbling block #1.  She had a long-term, family/clan connection with the church, so regardless of the complaints that were registered by parents, very little changed. She taught mostly the doctrine of her church rather than Bible, and taught unbiblical facts in the name of Christianity to her students. Stumbling block #2. She favored the kids that attended her church, and was very hard on those that didn't. Stumbling block #3.

I kept my separation and divorce a secret from the school because I was concerned about the additional stress it would place on my family. Finally, after two years, the school secretary (who knew), said that we parents had to list our names and addresses separately in the school directory.  Needless to say, I was shunned by many Christians when the directory came out toward the end of September. The Bible teacher began targeting my 8th grade son. For example, if he wiggled his pencil while he was holding it, he'd be punished. She taught that any parent who was divorced, for any reason, was in sin, and when I told the principal he defended her (even though the Bible is clear about adultery in Matthew 19:9). When it was Parent's Night, and I was visiting each of my son's teachers, she coldly listed to me all the things my "A" student was doing wrong, and I implored, "Can you just have mercy on him, we are going through a very hard time at home." She stood up, and said "I'll have mercy when he starts doing what I ask him to do. I have other parents waiting to speak to me." So, I was dismissed. Outraged. Stunned. Near tears. My son was doing awesome for having a drug-addicted, philandering, wicked Dad, who was making every day hell. But I didn't want the kids and I to bear the brunt of that kind of information circulating around the gossip train, so we didn't tell anyone.

One month later, my son and his friend were taking turns shooting at birds with a high-powered rifle while his dad was laying on his bed in a drug haze (Yes, the courts knew about the gun and drugs - but didn't enforce any restrictions). He shot down a power line and the grass caught fire. Trying to stomp it out with his shoe, he found that it kept re-ignighting, so he took his shoe off and tried hitting it out. No longer grounded by his rubber-sole shoe, the electricity jumped onto his back and he temporarily died. God restarted his heart, and as he was taken to medical care and then life-flighted to another hospital, most of his faculties were restored.

The next day I came home from the hospital and on the answering machine was a message from the Bible teacher, wanting to know if my boy was OK. What?! When he returned to school, he reported that she was treating him extremely nice. I knew she realized that every day she would have to live with the fact that she unjustly tormented my son, if he had died, with no chance to repent.  The rest of the year my son did not have one problem in class, but she never said anything to either of us. And I have to emphasize God's mercy towards this woman: My son did die three years later.

Two years later, my third child was in her class. She was talking about life-changing experiences and explaining what that meant. While asking the children if they had every experienced one, she said to my daughter, "____, I had a life-changing experience when your brother was electrocuted!" That's all she said about it, but I knew the truth. And, years later, I'd smile when I'd hear newbie parents talk about how nice the Bible teacher was.

The gist of this post is that as Christians, we are supposed to pray and ask for wisdom when dealing with the bad behaviors of ungodly or wicked brethren, not trust our own judgements. Enabling other Christians to continue to sin is a sin. We are to forgive them, use it as an opportunity for growth and repentance, confront them - if led by God, but not associate with them. God will take care of the rest. He is patient with us, "not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9). When He's convinced that the Christian is beyond repentance.....well, I don't like to think about that. As 100-Fold, you know those scriptures, too.

Follow the Money

Before writing this blog, I started writing a booklet entitled "Momisms." When my kids were growing up and we would witness or discuss a certain issue, I would quickly talk about it with them and try to sum it up with an easy to remember catch-phrase or 'proverb,' if you will.  Wow, what a great Mom....Well, apparently they can't remember much of them, only the gist, and only when prompted.  After saying, "What did I always tell you about _____?" And then receiving blank stares, I decided to write them down.

Today's "Follow the Money" was actually coined, I believe, by Rush Limbaugh. Most motivations and actions of Christian people can be traced back to money. Shocking, you say? We all know the verse from I Timothy 6:10: For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. But perhaps we need to dissect the "love" part of the verse, as I don't think most of us would believe we "love" money.

Before I point fingers, let me first confess my own sin. When I was wealthy, I donated large sums of money to worthy causes, the church, brethren in trouble, and hosted many fellowships so others wouldn't have the financial burden. That kind of giving is expected by God. I was giving out of the abundance that He gave me. God blesses certain people largely so that they will give, because the church's bills, ministries, and salaries need to be paid, and the poor just can't manage.  When Jesus saw the widow put her mites in the offering (Luke 21:3,4) he said, "Truly I tell you this poor widow has put in MORE than all the others. All these people gave gifts out of the wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on." The widow was sacrificially giving - NOT out of her abundance.

Now that I'm poor, my behavior is different. Living a few dire years of not being able to run the heat in my house, buy fresh fruits and vegetables for my kids,  receive proper medical care, or afford car insurance has changed me. It was easy to be generous when I had extra, but now it's more difficult. That widow had no idea where her next meal was coming from but she donated her money anyway. DISCLAIMER: I'm not advocating foolishly giving away all that you have so your family suffers needlessly. God expects you to be wise with your money and to take care of your family.

I have discovered that I'm a little more stingy. Ouch. Stingy could be the first synonym of "love."  Remembering the stress (lack of faith and fear) of not being able to take sick kids to the doctor, or the stress of collection agencies calling, doesn't evaporate overnight.  That's a root of evil and it must go.

"I can't afford it." Christians use this phrase when they mean "That's something I don't want to spend my money on," and that is another synonym for "love of money." I have known millionaires who have said they couldn't afford something. One said they couldn't afford to get their oven fixed, and then took a six-family Alaskan cruise. Shortly after saying they couldn't afford something, another family purchased a $100 thousand RV. Another gal was on FaceBook complaining about the difficulties of obtaining government funded medical care (welfare), and in the picture she posted she had on designer eyeglasses and acrylic nails. My own friend confided that they couldn't afford to do anything for their anniversary because they were so strapped - four weeks later I saw pictures of them on a cruise! I could recite endless stories, but I think you get the point. We are tremendously blessed in America. Our "poor" suffer from obesity, not starvation. We do have some families and individuals in dire need, but we are also blessed to have many programs and aid to help them, including those struggling with drug and alcohol problems.

Each one of us believes that we are not "the rich," they are the people who have more than we have (and want). Spending $35 a week at Starbucks does not a poor person make. As Ecclesiastes 5:10 notes: Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income.

Discontent could be another synonym for love.  Hebrews 13:5: Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." God determines who should be wealthy and who shouldn't. At this time in America, most all of us are "wealthy." Most of us had food for the day and a place to sleep. The food may range from good ole Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (which my kids can no longer look at), to steak. If you have a "beef" with God about it (pun intended), pray to Him. Giving is a ministry, and perhaps if God gave you large amounts of money, you wouldn't use it the way He intended: If it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously (Romans 12:8).

Our money is no one's but God's business. So why do we lie about it to others and ourselves? Why aren't we more generous when we have the ability? Why do we work both parents around the clock with no time left for God or family? Why does the second income earner in the family say, "I have to work," if they really don't? If we can't afford the extras, why do we charge them?  Why do we decide which luxuries are acceptable for us and then judge others for what we consider extravagances? A new Toyota Avalon is more "Christian" than a 3 Series BMW?

All of the above behaviors are indicative of the "love of money," in America 2011. Two things have helped me in my journey to overcome this - the death of my son, and of course, poverty. Losing your child puts everything into perspective and pulls your eyes toward heaven. "Things" and "Stuff" don't hold the same allure.  Becoming impoverished forces you to let go of all the things you "Needed" that really were "Wanted's." As mentioned above, I now struggle with the fear of not having enough for the basics, so my issue is now lack of faith in God that He will, "never leave me nor forsake me" (Hebrews 13:5).

If you are having your hair weaved in a salon, your car custom detailed, buying Starbucks, wearing acrylic nails, taking vacations, eating nutritious food, have gas and insurance for your car, a roof over your head, clean and hole-free clothes for the family, working one job, eating out at restaurants -even with a coupon, or carry a cel phone (especially one that does more than just dial), YOU ARE THE RICH! Ask God what you should be doing with all the extra money He's given you. Repent from the love of money by ceasing to say "I can't afford that" and instead saying, "I don't choose to spend my money on that," if you're going to make a comment at all.

Be content with the level of wealth that God has given you. I have applied to 100 different places, have a degree and extensive qualifications, and yet the doors stay firmly shut. I work at an almost minimum wage job but am qualified for much more. God has decided that this is where I should be, so I am learning to be content. I have had years of practice, so had I written this two years ago I would have been a lot more whiny (I want to encourage you that it doesn't happen overnight :). My used purse, given to me by a rich friend six years ago, has seen better days. The strap is broken, but something else always seems to come up. My Mom occasionally needs financial help, so there goes the gas money to drive up and see my girls up at college. My elbow needs work, but you know the size of those copays, so that has to wait. I have changed my 'wants' into 'needs.' I am blessed to have had yogurt and a banana for breakfast,  gas in the car to get to work, to even have a job in this economy, and a bed to sleep in at night.

The challenge to us as Christians is to determine how many of our sins, motivations, and actions are directed by our love of money. I knew a gal whose son was struggling terribly in public school, but she couldn't bear to lose that $400 a month extra spending cash by putting him in private school (This was a while ago, I realize that now some of the private schools are worse than the public ones, and often Charter schools are the better way to go). She put her love of money before her son.

Pray, and ask God what to do. Ask Him about the amount of hours you work which may not leave enough time to pray or go to church. Ask him about trips, handbags, new pools, new cars. Don't be afraid, He may say YES! Put your faith in God, not money. This blog is not intended for nominal Christians. This is an alert for seasoned Christians who have deceived themselves about their attitudes and motivations about money. Soon enough, when the economy completely bottoms out, these things won't even be an issue but we will have been strengthened by repenting of our love of money, to be able to rely on our increased faith in God for our needs, and not panic like the rest of the country will be doing.

It's not a sin to be rich, it's a gift from God. As mentioned above, our wealthier congregants help pay the bills and salaries. Jesus' friend Joseph bought his burial plot.  Our family was incredibly blessed by the generosity of our church - numerous times. My daughter's tooth was bad and had to be pulled and I was driving around without car insurance, just to name a few godsends (I was working seven days a week during this time, and going to night school, supporting two daughters - the third one was going through chemotherapy and trying to contribute as much as she could).

To sum up our 100-Fold attitude toward money, I'd like to quote my daughters' pastor from the college town church they attend, "It's not a sin to be rich, it's a sin to die rich."

What is suffering?

So much of our suffering is self-inflicted. For example, we should ask for prayer for diabetes that was brought on by decades of bad eating habits and extra weight (My Dad. He would put Hershey Syrup in his Pepsi just for starters).  I believe God honors those prayers and uses them for our good, but that is not the suffering of Christ. Years of careless spending and huge credit card debt is overwhelming and praying for a miracle so a home isn't  foreclosed and for help with the awful stress in dealing with the bank is appropriate - but again, not the sufferings of Christ. As I Peter 2:20 states: But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God.

God has great grace and mercy towards us when we suffer from our own foolishness. I have often suffered from my own mistakes and sins. I don't make much money, so when my lead-foot hits that pedal as I'm zooming to the airport to pick up my daughter and her husband, that $500 speeding ticket made me physically sick. As did the increase to my insurance. As did the thought of more peanut butter and jelly. I broke the law, exceeded the speed-limit, and was thankful I didn't have a Christian fish symbol mounted to my trunk.

The 100-Fold Christian life doesn't mean we have never sinned. It means that most of our suffering is not a consequence of our own sin and is allowed by God to rid us of sin and test us for a variety of reasons:

Judges 3:1-4: To see if we will continue to obey God's commands under stress.
I Chronicles 29:17: To test our integrity
Hebrews 12:11: To produce a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Job 23:10: To see if the refining will produce gold.
Proverbs 3:11-12: Because He loves and delights in us.
Philippians 3:10-11: To become like Christ and somehow, attain to the resurrection from the dead.
I Peter 4:19: So we continue to commit ourselves to our faithful Creator and continue to do good.

This kind of suffering usually lasts a long time. I say usually because of my own experience, but I can't be certain. I have had others tell me of their "Job Experience" and to me it would have been a walk in the park. I'm not sure how it works, because I don't want to have a suffering competition, and I want to resist judging. My only thought is that perhaps their wills didn't require such a severe wrenching to relinquish it to God? My goal of this blog is to support those who are currently experiencing extreme suffering in America.  I believe we are the forerunners of what many sincere Christians will face in the near future and, if we maintain our integrity during the tests, God might use us to help others.

God has promises and rewards for those who remain faithful during the years of suffering:

Hosea 6:1-2: He will heal us, bind up our wounds, revive us, and restore us that we may live in his presence!
I Corinthians 10:12-13: God won't let us be tempted beyond what we can bear and provides a way of escape.
Joel 2:25: He will repay us for all that we have lost.
James 1:12: Successfully persevering under trial results in the crown of life!

The end result of the sufferings of Christ should be a complete relinquishing of self will. That is the last bastion, after repenting from the love of the world and the pride of life. As Daniel faced the blazing furnace (3:16-18), he acknowledged that God was surely able to save he and his friends, but EVEN IF HE DIDN'T, he would still not serve any other god. As Jesus faced his horrible death he prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:46).

A quote was bandied about my church for many years, "If He could have taken you any other way, He would have" (Mother Basilea Schlink from the Sisterhood of Mary). When well-meaning friends would say that to me I would think, "What kind of maniac must I have been if this is the way God had to take me?!" That was during my self-pity years. Now I keep my eyes on the goal, and try to remember that my "light and momentary troubles are achieving for (me) an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Corinthians 4:16).

Friends, I still battle. I still have moments of "Woe is me." When I see pictures of happily married Christian friends on their latest cruise, or knowing people with successful ministries who are respected and live orderly and blessed lives, I hurt a little. But I don't want to offend my Father. He's given me such a huge gift, the opportunity to reap 100-Fold for all of eternity. Quickly avert your eyes to the prize. Such glories await, I don't even know what they all are, but that's faith. I marvel that as God combed existence, He chose me for this walk. I know He chose me so that the world would know it wasn't me, but Christ in me, that ran the race, but what an honor.

How awesome to one day hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant!"

Loss

When I first became a Mom, I have to admit it I was in over my head. My parents weren't Christians so I didn't know how to train up kids in the Lord, especially because my first was very spicy, let alone how to train them to behave.  Dr. Dobson's advice in "The Strong Willed Child," didn't come close to problem-solving my first's antics. I later found out that she had a genius I.Q. which attributed to her early onset shenanigans, but she has a choleric personality which in a two-year old made me nuts. By the time she was four, I had birthed two more babies and spent most of my time in a constant state of perspiration and frustration. I loved them to pieces, but knew I wasn't doing a good job.

I attended a ladies prayer group and decided to come clean. Every Wednesday we would pray and miraculously, over time, I grew to love my job and admire the unique personalities that each one of my kids possessed. In fact, raising my four kids has definitely been the highlight of my life. I approached my parenting like a professional career - determined to do the best I could - and attended seminars, read books, listened to tapes, and prayed with them and for them continually.

When their dad left, he introduced so many sinful elements into our sweet haven that every day was like walking on a tightrope wire while wearing a blindfold. I fought to continue to provide them with a high quality, Christian environment while being attacked, maligned and sabotaged. I shielded them from as much garbage as I could and often, after I would drop them off at school, I would sob in the car begging God to help. Most of my prayers were repeating the word "Help!" over and over.

I never knew what shocking, hurtful, or dangerous situation would arise. I am certain that their dad was not just backslidden, but demon possessed. The things he would do and say and the ability to get away with it could not just be happenstance.

I battled and fought each crisis through prayer and the courts. I am not a big fan of drama so calling the police to come to the house to listen to death threats on the answering machine and having the kids interviewed by CPS was embarrassing and awkward. Being pulled in to Jerry Springer type situations, and the authorities assuming I was that type of person, was humiliating. But I persevered in a futile attempt to protect my kids.

For now I will leave out much of the details that led up to that night. Too difficult. It's only been five years. About 10:15PM the phone rang. A lady, with a slight Mexican accent, was on the line. All she said was, "____ is dead." I hung up the phone. Something kind of snapped in my brain. Was this a prank, a new low from their dad to torment me? I called my Pastors. Could this be real? I had a restraining order, and trying to carry on a coherent conversation with the dad was always futile, so I asked if they could find out if this was a prank. I knew it wasn't real, and I started pacing back and forth in the house, for about 45 minutes. I think I was repeating, "No, no, no," I'm not sure. Then the doorbell rang and I knew. Apparently when I opened the door and saw my Pastors I let out a death wail. They received confirmation from the State Troopers and we got on the phone so I could hear it for myself.

Life will never been the same. I will never recover. It's like a Christian oxymoron. We live our lives with the goal of spending eternity with Christ, but then the worst thing that can happen is when your child goes to spend eternity with Christ. I miss my son every day. I'm sure he's doing all kinds of cool things right now, but when I see his friends' college graduation pictures and wedding pictures on Face Book, it doesn't seem fair. They weren't nearly as awesome as my boy, and they're being given a chance at life. But then my son is experiencing things we can't even dream of, and he's met Jesus face to face, so why would I want him to be here struggling with sickness, mortgage debt, career challenges and marital issues?

My brain has not worked the same since my boy's death. I think I had some kind of shock-stroke. I can't remember ANY numbers, spelling of familiar words, and chunks of experiences are gone. My doctor said that after a few years my brain would go back to normal - it hasn't. My girls and I still deal with PTSD and maybe we always will. I trust God that He did exactly what He should have, as it says in Isaiah 57:1: The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart; the devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. 

My middle daughter found a journal entry in the dryer that my son left in his pocket. In it he was questioning the Lord, asking Him, "Why do you call me beloved?" He was beloved of God. At four, he asked to be water-baptized!  I thought he was young, but when the Assistant Pastor spoke with him he felt that he understood the symbolism so we went forward. He stood out from the crowd, he was kind, funny, intelligent, and creative. His friend's parents remarked how unique and special he was. He was spoiled, lazy about chores, and took great delight in tormenting his sisters (I insert that lest the reader think I suffer from "After a Son Dies Remembering Him as a Saint" syndrome).

My extended family and church family were so wonderful through it all. I can't imagine how atheists cope when they lose a loved one.  Their dad tried to prevent me from having a separate funeral, so this grieving, heartbroken, devastated Mom had to do legal battle when I should have been curled up in a ball in bed under heavy sedation - but such is the path of the 100-fold.

I will miss him every day for the rest of my life and even as I write this I am tearing. My girls don't talk to me at length about him because I always end up crying and they can't bear seeing Momma cry. I wish I could be more supportive for them, but it is what it is. I can't give Christian advice on how to heal because I never will. I can't give grieving tips because everyone grieves differently - no one-size-fits-all grieving technique exists (books on grieving bug me for that very reason).

God has worked it for good: My treasures are in heaven, not here; I have a good perspective on what's important in God's sight; and the only true value of this life is preparation for our eternal life. Having done everything I could for my son, I am blessed to live without regret. I cherish (as always) my wonderful girls and son-in-law. Someday my son and I will be together again in eternity.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised. Job 1:21

A Little Giddy

I realize that the odds of this blog being read are very slim, but I must say that clicking the "Post" button on my first entry was a little exciting!

Oh sure, I've written a few letters to the editor for the local rag in years past, but personal thoughts? My personal thoughts, court documents and declarations, and journals were all burned over the course of several days. I tried burning too large of a bundle the first day and a neighbor came over to see if the house was on fire, so I had to drag the process out. I was embarrassed because A. The fireplace was outside and B. It was hot out and the middle of the day. All the torments of hell were burned up. Probably about 300 pounds of documents. I had toyed with the idea of writing a book but the thought of the kids and I reliving all that pain changed my mind.  Plus, some of the Post Traumatic stuff has erased parts of my memory so it would be a little sketchy.

In a way I want to start over.  I have dear Christian friends, but honestly, I don't think they loved me for me. I think they considered me their ministry. That's not a bad thing, and I appreciated their kindness, but I want friends who seek me out for fellowship.  When I spent time with them I felt like I was being interviewed. In the beginning, when I didn't realize their intent, it felt good to reach out for help and prayer. Slowly, I realized they were fascinated more by the juicy details of my life, and less by my friendship. It sure hurt.

I have only one 100-Fold friend. She loves me for me and she enjoys my company. When something dreadful happens to either of us, we don't care if the other gives details. We just care about the pain, the testing of God, and praying for each other. Occasionally, we'll even stop mid-story and pray in the restaurant.  More often than not, we realize that people in the surrounding booths are eavesdropping, so we've learned to paraphrase and speak in low tones! I must say that I find it irritating when people listen to our private conversations.

Recently I did a study of Elijah and Elisha. I enjoy reading about people who don't fit into mainstream Christianity. Somehow it makes me feel better. I find comfort in reading about those who have suffered far worse, it makes my life seem more manageable. Corrie Ten Boom, Holocust books, and Uncle Tom's Cabin, to name a few. Ms. Ten Boom and her sister, Betsy, suffered horrible injustices and maintained great faith in God.  Inspirational. Lots of people suffer, but God can work it for good if we'll let Him. The secret is not to become bitter. If you think that's easy, then you haven't suffered unjustly.

My trials would have been easier if I wasn't such a men-pleaser. If you met me you would find that I am normal, kind, even-tempered, a little boring (by worldly standards), but the spirit of God that resides in me puts people off. That has been very difficult for me. In high school I was voted "Most Funny." I love to laugh, love chatting with people, and even though I know the situation is spiritual, I must be honest and say that I am always a little disappointed when I am not well received or worse, rejected. The worldly people seem to accept me more readily than the mainstream Christian. At work I don't even discuss my beliefs, but the non-believers seem to sense it and share their struggles with me.  Years ago I bought packs of index cards that were bound together by spiral wire. I decided to make my own pack of verses that were specifically encouraging or relevant to me (rather than the store-bought kind). One card is from Psalm 38:11: My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away.

Most Christians don't want to fellowship with a Job-like Christian. It's messy. But in their defense, they can't understand, God hasn't called them to extreme suffering, how can we fault them for wanting to avoid us? I call them "God's Flowers." Pretty to look at, smell nice, delicate, and often seasonal. I can't be mad at a baby for childish actions, why be judgmental towards people who God decided should be "Flowers." If I lived in a country that radically persecuted Christians, perhaps there wouldn't be such a wide-gap between believers, but a large range exists among Christian types in America.

If only I had figured this out years ago.  I could have escaped a lot of self-pity and frustration.  Now I look at like this: If a person doesn't find me interesting, than God is sparing me from having to hang around them!  It turned out to be so true. Even though there are not many who understand the sufferings of Christ, there sure are some gems in the Christian world.  I may not be queen of the Bunco crowd, but I am greatly blessed to be friends with some of God's jewels.

What the heck fire is 100 fold? (Mark 4)

Good morning,

I've had so many thoughts buzzing around my head regarding this blog, and being a semi-reformed perfectionist I am sorely tempted to break it down in to 30 easy steps - but, no. I will resist, and take the advice from a friend to simply write to myself.

Not much exists in Christian writing that speaks to me. Or Christian radio. Or Christian TV. God is not a Genie who brings me money, health, and happiness because I am faithful, live a righteous life, and pray. I recently read a book about a lady whose son was incarcerated for murder - OY, 300 pages of "poor old me." She had hundreds of people sending her gifts, money, and meals. Her husband was a saint. She earned money speaking about her experience as she lectured around the world. And, she made money off of the book she wrote (I know, I contributed!).  The experience was surely difficult, but how many families whose loved ones are in jail enjoy so much help and support? I have met a few of these shattered families. Mostly what we receive from our brethren is secret judgement, curiosity about the juicy details, and pity. So who in the world was the book meant to inspire? And why did I spend the money?

Not having grown up in a Christian home, it was very difficult to understand the call that God put on my life at an early age. I was uncomfortable around my own family as I watched their antics and dark sins. My best friend's family would pick me up for church and youth group, and often times I would run out to their car in the event that one of my family members might follow!

Without a role model I invented my own version of what a Christian life should be like. Kind of "Leave It To Beaver" meets Billy Graham. I was faithful, repented, definitely was not perfect, but kept most of my judgments and criticisms inside my head so I didn't have to apologize to lot of people. I read my Bible, prayed, attended church, Bible studies, enrolled the kids in Christian school. The recipe for success. But then, slowly, everything fell apart. Contrary to what others were thinking, I was not reaping from some secret sin. In fact, I stepped up my prayer life! Praying and journaling hours at a time. Year after year, new and horrible things kept happening. One brother thought perhaps I had been cursed!

Funny how I could read and study the Bible all those years and it did not register what Paul experienced. Or Job.  One time a marriage counselor even asked if I realized what Paul's life was like. Oh, let's see: shipwrecked, beaten, flogged, imprisoned, etc...Was he backslidden, secretly watching dancing girls at night? Nope. Why was my life going haywire but none of my peers' lives? It took years to figure this out, with help from my Pastors of almost 30 years, but I have come to understand that God's call on my life is not what the average American is called to, not more important, just different. I have felt sorry for myself. Wondered why God hated me. Wished I was taking trips to Italy with a husband. But I have also learned obedience, fear and love of the Lord, and the most important element of the 100 fold Christian - "Not my will but thine be done." That means working at any job He picks, accepting closed doors that will not open regardless of prayer, living alone, little money - and doing it joyfully (sometimes:).  It doesn't mean not finishing college, continuing to fill out applications, eating lots of peanut butter and jelly. Every day I'm open to whatever agenda he wants. I would like to remarry, and I could easily do so, but that that would not be waiting upon His will.

My earthly life is His. He's brought me some wonderful perks along the way, but has allowed loss, persecution, slander, pain, and suffering. Like Job, I will not curse God. He gives and takes away but blessed be His name. My Pastor assures me that my reward in the after life will be well worth it, and that it is somewhat of an honor to have the call.

This blog is for any of the 100 fold brethren out there who need support. To produce that kind of crop isn't a glamorous Christian life. In fact, in the eyes of fellow Christians we most likely are misjudged. We're not the first invited to The Women's Christian Ministry Spa day (we don't have the money and usually are working too many hours). People love to talk to us at church because the latest installment of suffering is usually quite juicy. But that's all they want, the juicy story, because they can't relate. They're good, solid, young (in the Lord) Christians who have a different call on their lives. I must insert a cautionary disclaimer: There is the suffering of Christ and the suffering from sin.  Two very different types. I spoke to the ladies' group on that, because often times naughty Christians find themselves in trouble caused by their own misdeeds, and attribute to the sufferings of Christ. NO! We'll touch on that in another post.

I have chosen to remain anonymous because it might otherwise hinder what I write. My hope is to encourage other Christians who have this type of call, but all are welcome. I don't want to debate doctrine - man made stuff to accommodate  our self-will. You will readily glean that I am in no way perfect - God works on that daily :) And I will resist the urge to rewrite and reedit this post....OK, here goes.......