Fighting the Good Fight

Exhaustion. An American epidemic. And I'm sure tired of it ( I heart puns). Sitting here with #118 Natural dye soaking into my hair follicles, I mull over the lessons I have learned this week, the "beatings" I've received, and one lallapalooza of a sob session. 

When sis left (small "s" is my very subtle, old creation man, way of showing less respect) I was pleasantly surprised at the overall visit , but when she returned to the pressures and routine of home life, her old-creation ballooned its way back in her spirit. She "double extendre'd" a comment on a social network, saying something cruel, in public, and then claiming, in a private message, that I misunderstood - crazy making. She reminded me, yet again, how to spend the "gift" she left Mom (look up definition of gift). She must have felt guilty, she called Mom while I was at work (she never calls my Mom), and Mom gave her what for. Just remember, Fellow Folders, no good deed goes unpunished :).

A different huge family implosion occurred. While a piece of my heart didn't snap off, it did suffer a wrenching. I had to really pray about perception again: Am I really that far off in my evaluation of myself, actions, and words than I believe? After much crying, praying, sobbing, and mulling, I believe I understand the answer. My perceptions are accurate, but that doesn't make the other party any happier, and I am saddened to see the choices made, and to be on the receiving end of those choices. My beloved friends helped me accept "What Is," and how to move forward. Having taken care of so many, for so long, my friends said that I've put myself in last place, again and again. And while taking care of kids, their illnesses, being the sole breadwinner, and now taking care of Mom was all necessary, it's time to start dreaming for a life of my own! I have no idea how people do that. So, I thought about a trip. It may be with my kids, or with a friend, but I'm definitely going on a vacation. I dream of working for God. Maybe of someday marrying - if it would be a blessing and not a burden. Having a new fellowship of girlfriends, of like-minded faith. A job that challenges my brain, lets me create, and doesn't require lifting 50 lbs. (every girl's dream).

The enemy apparently was bored in Washington, DC, so he came to my work. My work environment mimics that of a junior high, but with less acne. I do my job very well, and while a few people don't care for my assertive personality, I get along with most people. We sell a high-end paint product, and my co-worker, R., mixed an incorrect color, so the customer brought the two cans back, with R's initials on the label. K. proceeded to make the same mistake on another two cans trying to satisfy the customer, again, with his initials on the label. The adjusted formula kept reverting to the original formula each time the guys changed the quantity to two cans. We now had $140.00 of awesome paint, for $28.00! A.M. marked them down, with his initials generated by computer on the tags, and set them to the side for me. I forgot to purchase them, and the next morning my supervisor called and said, "If you want this paint you have to purchase it now, because it can't be sitting on the floor." Translation - if you don't buy it, I will. So, Mom and I zoomed over and bought the paint. I was so excited to freshen Mom's house for so little money. Two days later, G. says, "Now don't tell anyone I said this, but R. says, 'They're watching you.'" Who? Who is watching me, and WHY? "Well, YOU made mismatched paint, and then YOU marked down the paint and then YOU bought them. WHAT? I was so hurt, I almost started bawling. I woke my Mom up, had her bring the paint to the store at 8:30PM and return it. I took pictures of the labels with my phone, while smoke was pouring out my ears. The next day I spoke with the manager and he had no idea about any paint scandal. So, my coworkers just can't seem to let me be. It's been 10 LLOONNNGG months working with dysfunctional, mental, lazy, ADHD, gossipy, sloppy, lazy people. Do my coworkers EVER wonder, while they're slandering and gossiping about others, how many short-comings, irritating habits, bad odors, inappropriate behaviors in front of customers, and disrespect towards each other they exhibit? With the EI of 12, I assume not. I told my manager how difficult it was working with them, and that I put in for a transfer to four other stores. One that values strong, hard-working, women, and truly puts respect and professionalism first, like our value statement claims. Of course, he said he wanted me to stay, but I think I want a fresh start. The above is a highly fireable offense, and I cannot jeopardize the health insurance I am actively utilizing, hence my bringing back the paint.

How blessed am I that I have Jesus. Can you imagine, experiencing the above, sometimes daily (to a lesser or greater degree), and not have Jesus? He helps me to react properly, forgive regularly, understand the ungodly and immature, mature in my walk, and train to be battle-ready. Are you battle-ready? Does your armor fit properly, or is it up in the rafters because it needs altering and you just don't have the time?

Just finished studying the book of Joshua for my Bible School. Joshua was awesome. Honored to be Moses' aide,  fought against peer pressure when spying out the new land, while 10 others lied about the conditions for attack, and chosen to lead Israel into battle. My favorite is when God tells him FOUR times to be "Strong and Courageous," not afraid or discouraged. Joshua was afraid and discouraged.  Joshua was ordered to put to death people who rebelled against him, what a heavy command. I don't take this literally, rather, sometimes we can't hang out with people who actively disobey God. If you've had to do this, you know how it can be very painful. And, as always, God's caveat, the terms of the covenant are, "You will be victorious, you will be successful, and prosperous IF YOU OBEY MY COMMANDS." Jesus' sacrifice on the cross did not nullify the terms of the covenant. In order for God to uphold His end of the deal, we must hold up our end: Complete obedience. As we pace back and forth in the valley of decision, like Joshua, we must choose this day whom we shall serve: But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD" (Joshua 24:15).

Let's declare April "Spring Cleaning Month." Bring the armor down from the rafters.  Time to shine our breastplate of righteousness. Polish up our shoes with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. Make sure that belt of of truth still fits. Uh oh, too tight, now that's a problem.  How about that helmet of salvation? Did we wear it once and then sell it at a garage sale, assuming Jesus intended it as a single-use item? Hmm...should we trade in our dinner-plate size shield of faith for a much larger one? And what about our sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God? Where in the world did we put it? Oh, it's in our nightstand drawer, we thought it was only for emergencies or break-ins. Let's start carrying it like swashbucklers do, 24/7, at the ready, to give an answer to everyone who asks us to give the reason for the hope that we have (I Peter 3:15).

Be strong and courageous!

Running the Race (With One of My Shoelaces Untied)

Good morning, Fellow Folders. Was so blessed to have my treasures share Easter with me. Unfortunately, I had to work so I was unable to fellowship with the like-minded. I sure miss regular church. But my kids made the day a delight.

My sister was in town for a few days. I had contacted her about Mom's illness resulting from the outpatient medical procedure. My other siblings told me they were not interested in her health updates months ago. Concerned that Mom might pass, sister arranged for a trip out here to help, and to visit with Mom.  My Mom hungrily soaks up concern and interest, when her kids provide it, so the trip went very well. I encouraged her to visit because I honestly don't know how much lucid time Mom has left.

It was fun having her visit - when she is with her family, there's a lot of enabling, infighting, conflict and the like. She's a baby Christian, but very sincere and dedicated to make up for the many years that she wasn't.  I like that she's trying so hard to WWJD, as she considers herself a prophetess, and to a "seasoned" veteran (Myself, I hope), her understanding of our mutual faith seems skewed. We can't really discuss Jesus, as she believes herself more enlightened and doesn't want to offend my humble faith :). Sis was able to subtly communicate that my church of 30 years wasn't up to snuff, and that the parishioners were afflicted with hero-worship. We can't "see" that the Pastor is not really anointed because we are so enamored by his charisma. She added that she briefly views him on TV, but only if she stumbles across his broadcast while surfing the channels, and just for a moment. The fact that she exercised such restraint is a real testament to the fact that she is growing.

Listening to her speak, her perceptions on life, family, and situations, jolted my spirit. She has encased herself in a bubble and, like many of us, has crafted her own faith in Christ, her own truths, and her own doctrine. At her level, I don't condemn her, I think it's like being encased in a womb, providing an opportunity to receive nutrients and safety while developing. It freaked me out. How deceived am I about the situations and people around me? Am I perceiving myself correctly, or are people talking about me like I did her in the paragraph above? I proceeded to repent for every single thing I could think of, including deception. I forgave her, again, for the persecution and cruelness she put my family through before becoming a Christian. I encouraged her, gave her a vintage book by Gunnarsson that I owned and inscribed Numbers 6:24 inside the book. Other than kind of running a few red lights while we were driving Mom around (oops), I hope I was a good witness for God. I'm posting a guard against deception, as seeing it's shift-changing moves was creepy.

It reminds me of Joel 3:14, "Multitudes, multitudes in the valley of decision! For the day of the Lord is near in the valley of decision." Isn't it amazing how true that prophecy is today? Most everyone we know is a "Christian," or believer, but we shape God to our Will, rather than shape our Will to God's.  I don't believe that the "decision" in Joel is whether or not to become a believer, but of believers to consciously choose to obey God and His commands. We can be "Christian" using our hand-crafted faith for only so long. If we choose to remain in the bubble, we don't have a chance to build up immunity to sin, grow, change, and we eventually die when tough times come our way. And brother sister, I promise you we will.


So, I've regressed a bit. I'm kind of sad about it, too. For the past four months I've been riding an emotionally-wrenching roller coaster, in addition to the current trials that are part of my daily life. The feelings are akin to when I lost my boy. My love of reading is waning again, a sign that all is not well in my brain. Every day is a waiting game. Here's an interesting aside: After my boy passed, I received many beautiful flowers and plants. I have a black thumb, so the chances that I still possess these plants is nothing short of miraculous, and one is named after him :) About four months after he passed, I walked up to the table and said something to the plant, calling it by his name, and I heard, "Mom, I'm not a plant." He was teasing me, of course, but that was the only time I heard from him or felt his presence after his death. Fast forward four years, and I was driving and interceding for this current heartbreak, and I "felt" my son, and that he was aware of what was happening and on the scene! Immediately after, his "song," that was played at his funeral came on the radio,  a confirmation that I hadn't imagined the exchange!


Ha Ha! Just received a communiqué from Sis: She left Mom a $300.00 check (I know, she's a millionaire, don't say it, just forgive :), and Mom was so excited to be able to have the trees in the yard trimmed. They're quite unruly, I can't reach them nor do we possess the equipment even if I could. Sis has demanded that it only go towards medical expenses. Ha! What she doesn't know won't hurt her:).


The beast has reared his gruesome head and is pestering my middle daughter. Did you know that it's possible to post psychotic rants via text? She blocked the first number, but he must have picked up a disposable. Oy. It's time to play "Change the Phone Number Game!" The hassles of letting all your business associates, medical professionals, and close friends know your new number - fun by the hour. Each of us has had to play a round, I myself THREE! It makes us appear unstable, but we have died that death years ago. Then there's the strategy of the game: OK, who gave it to him, and how do I make sure that person doesn't get the new number? Pray that he crawls back into his drug den and leaves the kids alone. He doesn't dare bother me again, he already did four months in prison for it, and I don't think they have the same flow of drugs and alcohol available as they do on the outside.


I am so thankful that Jesus didn't treat woman like dog meat. Recently, I was listening to one of my Apologetic MP3's (19:55), and the speaker pointed how unusual it was that Jesus was first seen by the Marys and Joanna. During this time, women were not valued enough to be considered witnesses in court, according to the speaker. The fact that the angels met with them first, AND DIRECTED THEM TO BE THE WITNESSES to the apostles, and that Mary saw the resurrected Christ first, and the apostles obediently recorded it in the books (perhaps against their moral upbringing), made my heart sing. Jesus values me. I love Him so much.


Day off - time to paint Mom's cabinets. Have an Outstanding day.

Waiting for God's next Episode

Good Morning to my few faithful fellow Folders (no, it is not "F" day in the blog Alphabet Challenge). Always appreciate those who pop in. I don't often check out other blogs, but I did this morning and found a writer whose current post had 80+ comments! After reading, I couldn't understand the huge response, so I thought I'd check out a few other posts. Same thing. Aye, the mystery of it all.

We had a big store meeting. Clearly one of the engaged employees, oddly enough I did not receive an award. Later, my supervisor handed me the award and said she "forgot" to present it to me during the meeting. Praise God, my Old Man didn't spit, kick, or sass back! I guess that means my New Creation is pushing her out. Interestingly enough, later in the week a female store manager told me she needed to see me and asked me when my lunch was, I figured it was business. She gave me a bottle of one of my favorite perfumes! Folder, you must appreciate the enormity of this gesture. Managers are not supposed to hobnob with the underlings, let alone give them gifts. I know she's seen the trials that I've endured, my hard work, and the testimony to keep on keeping on, and wanted to express her thanks. My daughter, who currently is interviewing for the exact position, said she could get fired for this action. I will not tell a soul, but I marvel that God put it on her heart and she risked by obeying Him. Lord, bless A., bless her family, her health, and draw her closer to You.

Had a job nibble. Passed the phone interview and the first in-person interview. Confusion clouded every step of the way. At first, I thought the negative influence was my adversary, but then I had the third interview. I was sitting in a hospital waiting room, and she called. My Mom was undergoing a procedure, and the gal REALLY wanted to meet that day, but it had to be before 4:00 because the CFO had to take his daughter to a doctor appointment. I panicked. The first two interviews went so well. I called my Mom's friend, and she said she could pick her up. I felt really uncomfortable doing that, the unease clung to my entire body. When I asked how much longer it would be, the nurse locked her gaze on me as if, to say, "Are you an elder-abuser, don't you care about your Mom?" I decided to run home, professionalize and play it by ear. Mom's friend "B" called to say that the hospital called, Mom was ready to go, BUT B's  DAUGHTER TOOK HER CAR AND SHE COULDN'T PICK MOM UP! Oy. Why in the world did she commit in the first place? Anyway, I zoomed back to the hospital, brought Mom home, dressed her for bed, gave her crackers, water, phone, TV, and drove 40 minutes to the interview.

Let's just say, the interview was awkward. They couldn't tell me what my title would be, what my duties would entail, or much of anything. Here's my take: The CEO decided to have a semblance of a life, and during her absences, the old CFO and other employees drove her business into the ground, possibly even stealing from her. This comes from my discernment radar - none of this was actually said out loud. Further, the secretary of 2 1/2 years just quit, telling me that the chaos was too much. They need someone who can help clean up the mess and eventually settle into a solidified role/position. I made it clear that I was not going to be a receptionist, and they assured me that that would not be the case. Now, I am an excellent problem-solver, I can see how to make things better, tighter, more efficient, and cost-effective. BUT, if they call back, I am going to up the anti. The confusion wasn't necessarily the adversary - it was the company.  The thing that stuck in my craw was the absence of regard for my elderly mother in the hospital having a medical procedure. And, my willingness to go along with the madness.  My very important CEO Big Wig cousin said that that is a red flag - not all the confusion or chaos, but the disregard for my family. The interview didn't even go that well, so they may not call back. I'm OK with that, accepting God's best for me may not involve this company. Plus, it's a long commute. Bleh.

On the upside, if they do offer the job to me, the mother ship will take me back to my home planet of "White-Collar" world. Visiting "Blue-Collar" world has been an education, I've learned the language, customs, and culture. The inhabitants are mostly wonderful people, but we don't share many common interests. Even the customers notice that I'm not a native and say, "You're not from this world are you?" I smile, "No, I'm just visiting." Longer than I expected...waiting for my Visa to expire. Last week, one couple asked, "Why are you not managing this store?" Inside my head I thought, "Ask God." I also get a lot of, "Wow, you smell good!" I'm not sure why this is unique, but apparently it is.

The home planet came from a funny story. My buddhist friend, "S," while highly intelligent and funny as a stand-up comedian, was recalling, with disdain, a time when "these corporate guys, with their shiny black shoes, crisp white shirts and black pants were here evaluating the department...." And I interrupted her and said, "The mother ship has come for me!"

I could learn a second language during the commute, and I enjoy helping companies segue into enhanced/improved versions of their formal selves. I've done it before, with documentation, and it would make my corporate resume more current and beefy.

Mom is not doing well, so it's a blessing I haven't heard about the job yet. Still waiting on her test results. I can see she is failing. I'm not scared of her dying. She's made it clear that she's ready to go. When I moved in to take care of her, I knew that my awesome Christian Spirit would influence her relationship with God - it didn't. In fact, her negativity nearly drove me to despair. I've found a way to not absorb her Debbie-Downer moods, and she's found a way not to crab and complain about every little thing. She told me years back that that when she passed, she would be in God's nursery, because her faith is so small. I think she's right. But I'm glad she'll be there, and that I can help her last days be better. She's repented of so many things, but never feels forgiven. Condemnation, that wretched task-master, relentlessly hounds her. Without recognizing why, she says, "I feel so safe when you're here."

Just received THE email - I did not get the job. Funny thing, I don't feel sad or disappointed. Hmmm. I guess that means God has something else in mind? Well, back to trolling online job ads. My protruding disc and arthritis in my back are begging me not to go in to work today, but alas, it is what it is. Sometimes living by faith is akin to watching your life like it's a TV show. Diz didn't get the job, but who knows what next week's show will be like. Will it be a rerun? Or, an Emmy Award winning episode? Will there be a surprise guest appearance? Will it be filmed in another location?

I guess you'll just have to tune in for an All New Episode of The 100 Fold Christian, starring Diz and her cast of single initialed characters. Viewer discretion is not advised - come one, come all.

Faith in Faith? Or, Faith in God's Will?

Five years ago much of what I loved doing evaporated overnight. One might say it was due to depression, but it was more than that. Everything I did was reevaluated for relevancy, and I lost interest in the nonsense that comprised 30% of my life. Inane TV and movies, foolish small talk, politics, etc...Anyhoo, I was a book junkie, and only within the last year have I tested to see if that desire was still resident in my personality - my most favorite past time/hobby/education/love.  I mix it up - everything BUT ROMANCE. Tight bodices or men with steel blue eyes and a shock of sandy hair (who never, by the way, KNOW that they're devastatingly handsome - whatevs) - escapism without provoking intelligent thought. Between my Kindle, that my awesome kids bought me for Mother's Day, the library, and a few cheapos purchased here and there, I'm slowly building up a stack of books "yet to read" next to my bed - like old times.

As of late, I've read a few nonfiction novels written by women who were either saved from religion, or saved by their own smorgasbord mix of "faith." Faith is a popular trendy term that often indicates a belief in a power, but not necessarily the power of God, often a power inside oneself.  In one sense, I love their in-your-face honesty about relationships, God, and internal angst - to a degree revealing the common emotional threads linking all us fragile humans. The Bible instructs us to think on things that are true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, of good repute, excellence, and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). So, most Christians write about the end-result of wrestling with God, the good that came from it, and the lessons that they learned - not the gore that got them there. We glorify God for allowing the tough stuff in life to bring out our sinful reactions, so we can improve as "saints," and continue to do the right thing (I Peter 4:16,19).  But those who have been "saved" from our supposed trappings of religion, and who are not spokes-people for God, don't feel pressure to present to friends and neighbors a prettily packaged life  (which in our defense, is not lying - we just choose not to dwell on our struggles, give people fodder for gossip, and to persevere in faith through our trouble - like Paul in the NT). If I wrote an autobiography, the juiciest parts would be the antics of the wicked and the weak Christians!

This is where I now part company with the authors. Some had the good fortune to grow up in homes where their parents were attempting a semblance of a godly life. The adult children are now making many more mistakes than their parents, but somehow feel that they are "free" from the constraints of religion (ie guilt). How does acquiring more trouble in your life equate to freedom?  One gal, free from her Mennonite religion, went on to live with an abusive, bi-polar man for 15 YEARS! Not once, throughout the book, in all her brazen honesty, did she confront how twisted and sick this was on her part. Her continued lament was the gross and embarrassing lunches that her thrifty parents packed her for school lunch, the odd clothing her culture required her to wear, and the pain of not fitting in. After leaving her relationship, she dated a man wearing a cross made of nails on a string around his neck - boy, did she and her friend have fun mocking him. She, of course, went on only one date - who would want to date a crazy who believed in God and wore a symbol representing that belief. But, hmmmm, 15 years with a certified nut job - people could sure malign her choices - but, not if your a decent, compassionate, human being.

The other book, also true, detailed the  journey of the author to "find" herself after deciding she didn't love her husband. The Eastern religion she incorporated had some pretty wacky components - but she was free from the "guilt" of Christianity. I think the idea is to find a "faith" that can heal them from pain, while they hang on to their self will, and justify sin (or bad decisions) as part of their destiny or path that leads to some kind of nirvana. Although, the last part we incorporate in Christianity when we quote "And we know God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).  But the key is that we Christians aren't supposed to be acting out of self-centered desires and depositing destruction and pain in our wake.  We know we could have gone a better way, but God can even use our mistakes, be it as a repentance for selfishness, avoidance of doing the right thing because of fear, or lying to get ahead. We don't justify our sin.

Suffering happens to all of humanity, "man is born to trouble" (Job 11:16). Our Lord experienced trouble (John 11:33,12:27, 13:21 to name a few). But it's how we grow through the suffering that separates the men/women from the boys/girls. And, suffering is a tool to bring up resident sins that we can be free from - IF we repent. The common theme for the "Faith without God" crowd seems at times to be a selfish "faith." The religion of "Me." I was forced to read the semi-autobiographical novel, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man," by James Joyce. My professor was greatly enamored by Joyce's ability to abandon his faith and culture, be free from the shackles of religious guilt and sail away from his family and culture (if memory serves).  It was the only "B" I received throughout college (because I openly challenged the instructors opinion). I believe, like all of us, Joyce battled with his sinful desires, and was irritated at the wrestling match between his self will, love of sin, and angst from guilt (I realize the Catholic religion, like all of our religions, have inflicted damaging doctrinal errors on its followers: But that's not God's doing, that's man-made nonsense). Joyce went on to live an ugly life and exchanged his freedom in Christ for slavery to sin.

My friend at work, a lesbian, misses God. She wants to attend church with her family, but she's trying to find a faith that will accommodate her lifestyle. Our coworker attends a buddhist temple to receive comfort for her pain, but wants to remain free from obedience to God. Both are sincere people, and I pray that they will find their way back to Christ because it is obvious that they are hurting.

Faith is a powerful gift. I believe that the non-believers have a good point when they exercise faith, and embrace their mistakes as a path to growth. Christians tend to beat themselves when they slip back into sin, and suffer all kinds of condemnation and guilt - even after confessing and repenting. But our God desires us to relinquish our will, not cling to it by "faith," or have faith in faith alone. Our faith is that God "plans to prosper (us) and not to harm (us), plans to give (us) a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). We don't adapt faith to our will, we adapt our faith to God's will. We don't continue in sin, we repent and continue in obedience. Subtle, but an enormous difference. Faith is risk-taking. Keep throwing yourself out there, in ministry, dreams, jobs, family. Believe for the best, hope for the incredible. Look for miracles in tiny spaces. I have lived an American Job-life, and if I can exercise this kind of faith (my DNA is 1/3 Melancholy), so can you.

Let's do this thing!