Saturday, October 6, 2012

A Psalm of an Overcomer in Progress

Dear Lord,

I want to have a heart of thankfulness and praise, and be continually aware of the blessings that You have bestowed on me. I know it is in my weakness that You show yourself, but I believe my weakness is all that is showing right now. I'm so tired.

I can't help but glimpse at other Christians' lives. I know they are not perfect, they have disagreements, struggle with sin, and the like. But to live like that would be a spa vacation for me. Have I mentioned my age to you recently? Yes, I know you know the number of colored gray hairs on my head. I'm so tired.

Lord, You know that I'll never turn away from you. You know I'll be faithful unto death. I've given you my life, my dreams, my reputation, my money, my home, my son, my children, their health, my family, my church life, my friends, my companionship, my job, my health, my will. Sometimes cheerfully, sometimes tearfully, sometimes with great difficulty - but I've given them all to you. I'm so tired.

I've been written off because I'm a single woman, because Christians assume no obedient servant of Christ should have lost so much. I want to forgive them. I read Your word, so I know better. But I'm not an Apostle, or Elijah, so I struggle with my loss. People talk about "seasons." I don't have a season, I have a life style. I'm begging you to show me that being sequestered in my desert cave is going somewhere. I'm so tired.

I know that the past 20 years has been a faith-building gym membership. Trusting and believing in the unseen. I cling desperately to the hope that you are working all of this for good. Others, who have gone before me, lived through some horrific tests. They are my inspiration. Brother Wurmbrand, buried underground for over a decade, makes my life look like a birthday party. I'm so tired.

As I look back, I can see that all that you have done has made sense, well, most. The rest, I imagine, will be made crystal clear in the next life. Years ago a brother saw a vision of me pulling an oversized cart, loaded with all the aspects of my life, and I was struggling and perspiring to move forward with all that You required me to do. But, I'm 15 years older, the cart is too heavy now. Lord, please pull the cart for me. Please take care of me. Please be my bread-winner. Please heal my children. Please put a covering over me. Please grant me physical rest and strength, I'm so tired.

I'm not asking for a miracle, for they provide temporary relief. I'm praying that You'll give me what it takes to run the race. I have been told in the past that You'll keep the same tests coming until I learn what You're trying to teach me. Please, Father God, forgive me for being such a slow learner. Please take the cart from me, or unload it, or let me ride in it for a while, so I can rest.

Forgive me for the times that I have doubted You, been mad at You, been bratty, and have not believed in the goodness of You. Forgive me for my sins. Forgive me for not appreciating the training that I have received in not loving my life unto death. Forgive me for not being thankful that I have bread to eat, a job, and a bed to lay my head down at night. Restore my soul.

Remind me of all the wonderful things you have wrought through my trials. Refresh my memory. Let me dwell on things that are lovely, pure, and wonderful. Grant me a desire of my heart, like a gift, from You to me, to let me know You are close by. Be my strength.

This is the day that the You have made. Let me rejoice and be glad in it. Praise you Lord, for in Your infinite grace, mercy, and love, You will be my help, my stronghold, my deliverer. My trust and hope are in You.


  1. Hello Sister,
    I don't know how I ran across your page, but I could have written it myself. So do not be discouraged, God is strengthening us to be overcomers in the midst of sorrows, sufferings and showing us that we are truly unable in our flesh to do anything. Apart from Him we can do nothing. The fact that we have survived so much heartache and weariness is proof that He abides in us. "Fear not, little flock, for I am with you." says the Lord :-)
    A sister in Christ

  2. Leslie,

    Thank you for your kind response. The valleys will help us rejoice on the mountain tops!